Isolation

Isolation from the world
And all things mundane
Stupidity and selfishness
Frustration and pain
Elevate to the clear
Unpopulated sky
Not bothering to wave
To the Earth passing by

If I Only Could...

Break away from the quicksand
Fly free from the things doomed to die
Stay above the swirling darkness I see
Make sure I see the sky

Move across the ocean
Not ever look down below
All I’ll see is what I’ve escaped
And the things I think I know

Hold close to my heart the song
That I’ve heard for a long time humming
Close my eyes to the pointless pain
And relish the joy that’s coming

yep.

I found this poem today that I wrote in church a few months ago. It was inspired by the stained glass window. It pertains to TPoF (Matt's pov). Figures.
And the "you" in this is God/the Voice. Just sayin'.

Silent sound in vibrant weather
Voices singing melodies of color
Gold changing to what it can be
Why is it crimson bathing me?

It knows whose blood is on my hands
The hands bound with diamond bands
The scarlet of a heart waiting to love
I guess years of pretending weren't enough

One step to the side brings me inside the blue
It tells me that there's nothing I can do
Blue like the ocean that soars down deep
And closes over my head when I go to sleep

Absorbed by my skin is the light of green
The evil of man that makes up my being
You say I'm not made of dark but of light
But when I look inside I'm lost in night

Orange hits my eyes with searing bright fire
It's the flames that burn and make me a liar
Eating the edges of my strength to survive
I need your hand to help keep me alive

And then glorious and pure blinding white
Fills every corner with its wide purging light
You tell me you're here to help me get by
And give me your love for the rest of my life

two days in a row...i'm on a roll

Toneless black words, nothing but pixels
Empty cold air from the depths of a stone heart
Endlessly swirling in a vortex of hollow promise
"I care"

Formations of sounds to just be ignored
They're worth less than the whistling wind itself
A whisper, a yell, it's all just the same
"I'll work on it"

No point in speaking if it will be only that
One word after another in a stream of dead breath
Better not to shout what you will never become
"It matters how you feel"

It never matters that I mean what I say
To everyone else it's all just the same
As the intangible promises they lock in for good
"I always try to do what I should"

A Life of Basket Weaving

We all struggle with the knots we tie with ourselves in the midst of it all
Tangled irreversibly with the life we've made on our own, for our own
We can never remember the steps we took as we weaved those threads
The complex network of strings that is our lives unwinding on the spool

The tighter the strings are pulled, the stronger the knot becomes, and small
Sometimes so tiny that we don't even realize it lives out its existence
Until that one pivotal moment when all the strings choke on the tension
And we frantically scramble to undo what will never be done

A sharp edge biting, our perfect alibi for what never happened
One brush against the taut thread that trembles with regret
SNAP
The line of thought is broken but the frayed ends still remain

untitled poem

Dust lost against the wind
Never to be seen again
Scattered far and wide to see
Not a single harmony
Riding like feathers upon a breath
Birds of thought are put to death
Upon their own source of regret
Where pain and solitude once met
No one saw that fateful day
When all of love was thrown away

Silence Has No Meaning

We're all prisoners in our minds
Trapped within our kind
Never speaking them out loud
Cause we can't

Intentions lose their place
In the emptiness of space
Created between ourselves
Forever lost in the silence

In the end it's all the same
Cause it never gets a name
We're too afraid of what it takes
To take risk and stand

Water closes in over our heads
As we lie awake in our beds
Wondering what was missing all along
But we don't really care

Oh...right.

It took me forever to figure out how to get back into this thing again, it's been so long. I don't tend to post my oh-so-deep thoughts where anyone can read them - I just bug a few choice people, haha. Anyway.

I don't really have much to say, actually, except to share a couple poems. The nice thing about having a story that applies so directly to your life is that you can write a poem for one, and it'll go along with the other. Convenient how that works out, eh?

So here we go, I guess.
I wrote this one maybe a month or two ago. Or three. I can't remember.

On a roller coaster ride
Between my problems and my pride
My mind just won’t be quiet
Until it starts a riot
They tell me it’s not working
Can you see the doubt lurking?
My heart will not hear it
Though they say I should fear it
They call it not living
But they don’t know I am giving
All I’ve got
Cause it won’t stop
I’ve cast my lot
For the top
Of this life
Whether they like it or not

I’m told I should switch
Pull it out stitch by stitch
No matter if it’s damaged
Cause they think I can manage
My life without complications
Oh so many stipulations
Every choice I make is wrong
I guess I can’t belong
With the normal teeming masses
It’s like they’ve all taken classes
On how to deal
With how they feel
And what to steal
Let’s keep it real
Don’t let them know
Your heart is sealed

Always disappointed
By those I have anointed
My own mind betrays me
Will I learn? Maybe.
I always pray I get smart
So I can see my final part
How much of this is true
Can’t tell if skies are blue
By this thinking I am bound
By through this searching I’ve found
This new cry
I must always try
To see through every lie
Of all that must come by
Until truth comes through
Will I know it when I die?

~~~

And here's a nice, short, recent one. :)

Where I Am

Bring me back from the brink
Of everything that I could be
Place me here where I belong
In a boat thrown in the tossing sea

I could be erased from Earth's surface
With no more than a blink
And how much would it matter
Not that much, I think

The pain that comes with caring
I don't know if it's worth it in the end
I'm just done what I know best
Being the sacrificial friend

~~~

I have another one but I'm too lazy to type it up right now and it's almost midnight...ugh. I value sleep more than typing up my stupid poems. So good night! :)

One in a Million

Here's a question: are we really that different?

I mean people in general. I'm not talking about likes or dislikes, or experiences, or talents or skills. I'm talking about when you really strip away everything else about a person and look at the bare bones. We all have the same basic flaws. We're human after all. We're far from perfect, and we all sin in the same ways. Jealousy, judging, lying, baseless anger. Everyone has experienced those. I know for a fact that each one of us is "one in a million". The question is, where is the emphasis, the "one" or the "million"? Are we really so different from 999,999 other people, or are we just part of a mass? Both? Neither?
I certainly like to think I'm different, but I'm really not. I mean, the thing is, the only thing that sets us apart is how we react to how we feel, but in the end, we all feel the same way. Sure, it's about different things at different times, but anger is anger. Grief is grief. We were all built the same way, with the same mold. We all like to think we're special, that we make a difference, but it's so hard to really believe that when...nothing happens.
Life isn't a novel. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

Back To Where We Started

Song time! This one is about multiple things, but partly about my overanalytical mind :) The other parts I'll just let you speculate endlessly...


This whole thing, it’s a circle
My exit leads not to the end
Yet I’m still frantically running
Using strength I can’t spend

In this life, the edge is sharp
Of the pain that comes with care
It makes me wonder what’s the point
If it’s something I can’t share?

Back to the waiting
Back to the doubt
Back to the box where
I can’t get out

Back to the beginning
Back to the start
Back to the love that
Picks sense apart

Nothing, not much to do
Forced to sit here with my mind
Pondering its way to nowhere
I don’t know what it might find

In this heart, there’s no telling
How far goes its depth
All it takes to go off the edge
Is one tiny little step

Back to the waiting
Back to the doubt
Back to the box where
I can’t get out

Back to the beginning
Back to the start
Back to the love that
Picks sense apart

I have to pause and think of this
What exactly my mouth is saying
The important thing to consider here is
How high a price my heart is paying

Just think of this
Just think of this
What would you do
If I stopped
Who would love you?

When all your pain is laid bare
Who would love you?

Leadership schmeadership

Oh how I love leadership thingies. We get to listen to Mr. Mason talk about "good leadership qualities" for about an hour while he insults our apparently horrible marching and expecting exquisite perfection. What better way is there to spend a Saturday afternoon? I always get easily bored with his little speeches, either because I've heard it before or I can figure out everything for myself. It's really not that hard, but apparently some people are just stupid. Or he just thinks we're stupid. Whatever.

On a slightly happier note, I went shopping afterwards for the first time in a longggggggg time. In a whole year, I haven't really bought much clothes-wise, so it was pretty fun. Unfortunately my stamina for shopping is extremely low, and after the first store, I was ready to go home. We did actually buy a lot of stuff at that store though, so I guess I can explain myself. I also bought some new tennis shoes because my old ones (that I've had sense at least 8th grade, sadly, and have survived 3 years of marching band) mysteriously disappeared somewhere between my room and the band slot room. Probably in the slot room, because once you lose something there, you're never getting it back - in fact, I'm sure there's some kind of wormhole that sucks random things into oblivion when it feels like it (and no, I'm not talking about the Trumpet Hole, but that's also a likely source of near-permanent loss). Anyway, my new shoes are cool because they have a random bright lime green design on it. Hooray for being unique! (or weird, whatever).

I saw this shirt in the men's section that had reasons for "why guys are freaking cool" or something like that. Some of the funny ones were "We 'do' our nails with a pocket knife" and "Everything on our face stays its natural color". But one of the ones that I had to pause at was "We get credit for the smallest act of thoughtfulness". That's kinda sad - I mean, the stereotypical man is crude and tough and mean, which is true in most cases, but they're not 100% like that...but apparently being nice to someone is NOT a sign of manliness. I think it's the other way around. If a guy is actually nice to all the people he meets (okay, all is stretching it...just most would be okay too) then I think he is definitely "freaking cool". It's just kind of pathetic that women are seen as the ones that are always nice and caring and...well, motherly, and that all of those things are apparently signs of weakness. No wonder our world is so messed up.

I had a good name for this blog, but with the way my layout is, I don't have it on here. It's "Why don't you come right out and say it" from a song by - never mind, I don't even need to say it. I'm sure you can guess. Speaking of the layout, like that random eye picture? I think it's kinda cool, but that could just be me. Or because it's MY eye. Yeah. Shush.

I had something deepish to say, but I forgot it so...I'm gonna go write more of my story. Toodles.

Oh goodie. Another one.

I never got into this blog thing. I mean, I'm the last person to go around telling people about how I feel, unless it's something stupid like how I hate school or I'm tired or yadda yadda. I hate sharing my problems with people, because I can never believe that they fully understand - not that it's their fault in any way, it's just how things are.

So...why did I just create one? I dunno, you would know as well as I would. Usually I get all my emotions out by writing a story, but sometimes that just doesn't work, especially if...you finished it, heh. But doing a blog thing like this, to me it's like you think your life is important enough to shout its events to the world. I know people don't care about my life, and I don't care that they don't care. I really don't. I just don't want them thinking that I'm one of those people that feel like they have to spell out every event of their day in detail, like someone is hanging on to their every word. How many people have lives like that, anyway? Unless you care a lot about a person, you're not gonna pay attention. I'm not sure if that's a problem or not in our world, but I do know that people need to care just a little bit more about the people they encounter, especially on a daily or weekly basis. Just think about how important and complex your life is to you - all of your memories, feelings, relationships, problems. Every single person has a life like that, you just don't know about it as well as your own (obviously, der). Every single person is dealing with their own thoughts and troubles, and has their own little quirks and whatnot. We all treat others like they're just tools for us to use. I do it. You do it. Everyone does it to some degree. Let's try to do it a little less, yes?

Anyway. I don't feel like talking about my life right now. Maybe later I'll put up the song I wrote a couple days ago, but right now I feel like doing something productive. Like...writing a story? Pfft.

Oh, speaking of stories. Geocities is apparently closing, which is where I have my story website. I get to move it all to Freewebs (or "Webs" now, I guess) in my ample free time (are you detecting the sarcasm here?) so it doesn't die. But until then, I guess it doesn't hurt having the website up here, even though anyone who reads this knows about it already and has probably read it to some degree...so yeah.

http://www.geocities.com/thepointoffeeling/home.html