"You recite my words right back to me before I even speak...You let me know I am understood."

I haven't posted anything in a long time, but it doesn't matter because no one looks at this anyway. Ha. It's because there's not really much to say on here. I mean, I certainly don't have an interesting enough life to actually talk about it, but I suppose most bloggers don't have interesting enough lives anyway, which is why they try to make themselves think they have interesting lives by posting where everyone can see it...but I digress.

"If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind, I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found."
If you can name the song that came from, you're officially a cool person. Yes, because it's Relient K. I'll give you a hint - it's on their best album.

I quoted that because it describes me well. My mind is always complicated. I don't know if I'm one of the few like this, or if a lot of people are, but it's always...like I said, complicated. For me, I can just think something. Like, my opinion about what's right. I'm not talking about issues like abortion or the death penalty or something, but how to deal with things that pop up in life. I always have at least two viewpoints - opposing viewpoints - that my mind comes up with, and so it doesn't give me peace to think through things because I second-guess myself and try to agree with both of them. That doesn't work. I can't even write out my thoughts to help sort them out because I find that I'm just contradicting myself and constantly revising and retracting statements I made two sentences ago, so that it really does nothing.

Which is another reason why this blog thing doesn't get updated often. Who wants to put themselves through that?

But I will discuss something I AM sure about, and that is God's role in our lives. I know, sounds preacher-y, right? But seriously, it's some valid stuff.

People will always let you down. I'm sure everyone has experienced this to some degree - it's human nature. It's how we were made. Why? Not really sure, but it has to do with making our own choices, having free will. But it stinks. Sometimes it's just people being stupid or jerks, and other times it's just how the cookie crumbles, through no direct fault of their own. It makes me think, why expect anything at all? Why bother hoping? Trusting?

Here's some good news though: God won't let you down. Ah, but I can hear you saying, "Of course He does! Lots of times you pray for something and it doesn't happen! You pray for help but you don't get any!" Here's the tricky part - God doesn't obey humans. Can you imagine if He did? Yuck. The world would be crazier than it already is. So if you don't get something you pray for, instead of thinking, "wow, God hates me," think, "so I guess it wasn't what needed to happen." Yes, yes, I know that's a horrible thing to say if, say, one of your relatives dies even though you prayed that they wouldn't, but you have to remember that you can't see the big picture. It seems like such a cop out to say, "oh, it'll all turn out okay, you just don't know it because you're a mere little human", but it's true. God's goal isn't to shield you from pain; it's to help you get through it. Life sucks, and full of horrible stuff that doesn't make sense. You know the saying, "God will never give you anything you can't handle?" I remember my pastor saying in a sermon a while ago that that isn't true. It's not that God will never give you anything you can't handle. It's that He will never give you anything you can't handle with Him. Whatever happens, He can handle it. I mean, He's God. Duh. But you have to let Him help you.

Which brings me to my second point. God is the ultimate best friend. Think about it: He's ALWAYS available, and you don't even have to pick up the phone. You don't even have to speak. He'll never get annoyed or frustrated with you, or judge you and say you're stupid for doing this or that, or thinking this way or asking this question. He always has good advice - perfect advice, in fact. He never gets tired of listening to you. He'll never say, "Wait a second, I need to answer this text," or "I'm sorry, but I'm really tired right now. Can we talk later?" or "Sorry, what was that? I was distracted by the octopus that just appeared outside my window." And not only that, but you don't even have to worry about making sense, or trying to find a way to say how you're feeling. He already knows all of your feelings, thoughts, desires, problems, motives. All He wants you to do is talk to Him so that you can know He's there for you.

It's a great comfort knowing that there's always someone who won't let you down, even when the rest of the world does. Sure, He's not physically there next to you, but He is the God of the whole universe. I'm pretty sure He can help you out anyway. Just sayin'.

So that's all I got.

Isolation

Isolation from the world
And all things mundane
Stupidity and selfishness
Frustration and pain
Elevate to the clear
Unpopulated sky
Not bothering to wave
To the Earth passing by

If I Only Could...

Break away from the quicksand
Fly free from the things doomed to die
Stay above the swirling darkness I see
Make sure I see the sky

Move across the ocean
Not ever look down below
All I’ll see is what I’ve escaped
And the things I think I know

Hold close to my heart the song
That I’ve heard for a long time humming
Close my eyes to the pointless pain
And relish the joy that’s coming

yep.

I found this poem today that I wrote in church a few months ago. It was inspired by the stained glass window. It pertains to TPoF (Matt's pov). Figures.
And the "you" in this is God/the Voice. Just sayin'.

Silent sound in vibrant weather
Voices singing melodies of color
Gold changing to what it can be
Why is it crimson bathing me?

It knows whose blood is on my hands
The hands bound with diamond bands
The scarlet of a heart waiting to love
I guess years of pretending weren't enough

One step to the side brings me inside the blue
It tells me that there's nothing I can do
Blue like the ocean that soars down deep
And closes over my head when I go to sleep

Absorbed by my skin is the light of green
The evil of man that makes up my being
You say I'm not made of dark but of light
But when I look inside I'm lost in night

Orange hits my eyes with searing bright fire
It's the flames that burn and make me a liar
Eating the edges of my strength to survive
I need your hand to help keep me alive

And then glorious and pure blinding white
Fills every corner with its wide purging light
You tell me you're here to help me get by
And give me your love for the rest of my life

two days in a row...i'm on a roll

Toneless black words, nothing but pixels
Empty cold air from the depths of a stone heart
Endlessly swirling in a vortex of hollow promise
"I care"

Formations of sounds to just be ignored
They're worth less than the whistling wind itself
A whisper, a yell, it's all just the same
"I'll work on it"

No point in speaking if it will be only that
One word after another in a stream of dead breath
Better not to shout what you will never become
"It matters how you feel"

It never matters that I mean what I say
To everyone else it's all just the same
As the intangible promises they lock in for good
"I always try to do what I should"

A Life of Basket Weaving

We all struggle with the knots we tie with ourselves in the midst of it all
Tangled irreversibly with the life we've made on our own, for our own
We can never remember the steps we took as we weaved those threads
The complex network of strings that is our lives unwinding on the spool

The tighter the strings are pulled, the stronger the knot becomes, and small
Sometimes so tiny that we don't even realize it lives out its existence
Until that one pivotal moment when all the strings choke on the tension
And we frantically scramble to undo what will never be done

A sharp edge biting, our perfect alibi for what never happened
One brush against the taut thread that trembles with regret
SNAP
The line of thought is broken but the frayed ends still remain

untitled poem

Dust lost against the wind
Never to be seen again
Scattered far and wide to see
Not a single harmony
Riding like feathers upon a breath
Birds of thought are put to death
Upon their own source of regret
Where pain and solitude once met
No one saw that fateful day
When all of love was thrown away